I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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