I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
