I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need to sanitize my soul.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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