I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
