I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
