So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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