Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
