My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
