Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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