Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
