It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
