she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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