mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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