Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize