I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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