I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
