I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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