I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
