**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
