dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize