I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Randomize