he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
