So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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