My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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