You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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