My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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