just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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