But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
