My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
