just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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