Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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