I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
