He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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