i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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