Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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