I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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