You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
