Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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