My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
