who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
