im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
