how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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