Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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