Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
