All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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