I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
