i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
