Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
