This is not my ceiling
i already hear my dad disowning me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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