Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
