I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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