so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize