I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
