Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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