We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
