were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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