I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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