the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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