Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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