Kiss
Puke
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
