Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
