I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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